Julian and I were in the midst of returning from our routine walk with our beloved (although at times scheming) Golden Retriever Gypsy when we both looked down at the same time and noticed a little plastic bag on the pavement. At first I thought the bag contained green thread however on closer inspection I realised that the green part was right, but thread it certainly wasn’t. Our find was the green of the plant variety. Yes folks, Julian and I stumbled on a bag of weed.

Gypsy the sniffer dog, raised her foreleg, pointed her nose towards the find and froze in this position. Actually she did not really do this - Gypsy would never dream of acting in such a normal dog like manner.

Naturally we questioned the circumstances of our find.

Interestingly enough, the bag was found right outside an organics store. What did this mean? Were the owners of the store selling marijuana to their customers? Perhaps all these years I was fooled, the shelves were lined with bags of weed instead of oregano and tea leaves.

Or perhaps, we had stumbled on a major drug cartel whereby the Columbians were growing a rare and potent strain of marijuana in their ‘hairdressing’ salon’. I always wondered how the salon could get away with 10 dollar haircuts and no customers in sight. Maybe the store room caught on fire (due to Columbian drug lord who left his cigar burning near a supply of hair bleach) forcing a mass evacuation of staff and stock and leaving behind a precious little baggie in their haste. Nervously I looked around for a couple of Pablo Escobar types holding Uzis looking to reclaim their little piece of horticulture.

Let’s look at another possible scenario. Maybe there was a hidden camera located in the fish and ship shop opposite the organics store, perhaps Channel 10 are filming a new show called ‘Skunked’?

OK, time to get real - some poor guy with cancer was using marijuana for medicinal purposes and in his frail state of being he dropped his bag of weed outside the organics store after buying some St John’s Wart and Echinacea.

Or even more frightening perhaps it was trap set by a fundamentalist and extremist religious zealot with a hatred for mind altering chemicals. Strategically placing the bag in an obvious place he or she lies watching and waiting for an unsuspecting sinner to snatch the bag now laced with rat sack or some equally death inducing toxin.

We considered handing the weed over to the police , would the grateful owner give us a reward? Or perhaps it was better to treat the situation with a little more subtlety and advertise our finding as follows:

FOUND:
One green skunk.
Female - friendly yet anxious and has the munchies.
Very pungent odour.

Well I guess the true mystery of the lost weed will never be uncovered - does the weed belong to the hippy organic store owners or perhaps the Uzi loving Columbians. Maybe the cancer guy had a bad night without his marijuana or the new show Skunked airs next week.

Remember the days of the wafer thin eyebrows in the 90s? For the average person, this might not be terribly difficult to recover from but if you are of the Greek persuasion you would know that growing out your thick black eyebrows without humiliation can be quite a laborious and lengthy process. When my steps-sister Eff decided to grow her eyebrows back she decided to cover the awful regrowth with an eyebrow pencil. This was a painstaking process, particularly before a night out on the town. Watching her I dared not breathe for fear that her hand would slip and she would end up with an eyebrow drawn across her nose and she would have to start all over again.

One night after spending two hours perfecting her pencilled eyebrows (an hour for each eyebrow), we hit the first club and Eff met a young gentleman. It wasn’t too long before they retreated to a kissing corner…. sometime later my sister found me on the dance floor and dragged me into the toilet. For some reason when you are under 20 it’s never possible to go to the toilet alone. Like a bimbo girl out of one of those B-grade horror movies, I let out a ear shattering shriek - Eff’s face was covered in thick black smudges. I pulled her in front of the mirror to let her see what she had become. My first thought was that the kissing dude had bitten her and she was changing into a creature of the night but then Eff came up with a more practical and likely answer. ‘Oh my god’, she announced, ‘it’s my eyebrows - they must have smudged off when I was kissing that guy!’ So that was that (or so we thought) and we washed and dried her face off and left the toilets - minus a set of eyebrows.

Eff retreated alone to a discrete part of the club and continued shaking her groove thing on the dance floor when out of the corner of my eye I spied her kissing companion making his way over to her - he looked a little different - he had Eff’s eyebrows all over his face, and clearly this had been the case for at least 3 hours. Then I understood where the rest of Eff’s eyebrows had gone.

Rocket Rog

‘Rocket Rog’ was an old red rebuilt 1970s Datsun. There we were one night, Rocket Rog, Simone (Rog’s owner), Eff and myself heading out to some club or other. We had been regulars at this particular club and we were excited on this particular night because we had met some guys the week before and had agreed to hook up the following week. We were chatting away excitedly about the prospect of catching up with Tom, Dick and Harry when suddenly Rocket Rog came vigorously into contact with another vehicle and CRASH just like that Rocket Rog was seriously banged up. Thankfully no one was injured, but while Simone exchanged details with the other driver, Eff and I sat in dreary selfish silence both thinking the same thing. Did this mean we would have to go home? Rog was in pretty bad shape and we figured Simone was in no mood to go clubbing. Simone hopped back into the car looking stressed and tense, and we knew it was all over - there would be no club and no guys tonight. But then, low and behold, Simone announced that the clubbing mission was still on! We sat in sympathetic silence the rest of the journey listening to poor beaten up old Rog - the only sound coming from the left hand tyre wobbling hitting the front guard with repeated thuds. Ah, if only we had focused that determination on more significant challenges back then - we could have ruled the world!

The Podium

Most teenagers will remember, or at least remember flashbacks from pulling an all nighter with the help of alcohol Me? Well I never relied on alcohol to have a good night especially because I had a part-time job on the weekends with early morning starts. However one particularly night I decided to break the rules, be a rebel and drink myself silly (but not before responsibly calling into work the day before and advising them of the need to find a replacement).

Wasting no time, I headed for the bar to choose my poison - a shot of green chartreuse. Now for those of you have no experience with chartreuse, let me enlighten you. Chartreuse has a 55% alcohol rating and is extremely pungent, and remarkably potent - after you have downed a shot of chartreuse your entire world as you know it changes. Just imagine what it’s like to knock back some herbal mouthwash on steroids - this spicy elixir will set your body on fire and it’s well advised to have a glass of water on standby. Well naturally after a few shots of chartreuse, my memory was fragmented but I do recall moving onto tequila shots. Then from a distance I spied my cousin dancing on the podium - wanting in on the action I stumbled across the dance floor (but not before knocking several few people over and falling over a bar stool in the process).

By this time my coordination was nonexistent, not only was I unable to physically lift myself onto the podium, I was very confused about the process - how could I lift one leg onto the podium in order to swing myself up there with the other? The mystery behind the pyramids is one thing, but working out how to climb a step when you are drunk is even more bewildering. So there I was staring up at my cousin in awe swaying like a poplar tree in a gale when suddenly the heavens opened up and the hand of God (my cousin) reached down to help me. Alas the task was impossible for she too was inebriated, so the only thing left for us was falling to the floor in a mangled heap of fumbling arms and legs.

Sadly the story of the podium does not end well, the bouncers were not impressed with the commotion and escorted us outside to our waiting chariot - our taxi.  The unimpressed taxi driver sighed… he was obviously used to seeing people failing to reach the top of the podium so I greatly expressed my grief.. all over the black vinyl seats.

I don’t recall ever taking another day off work again.

It all started with a few superfluous calve hairs I spotted last Sunday whilst catching a few rays of autumnal sun. I headed off to the kitchen with my plastic container of wax humming a happy little tune (well I wasn’t really humming but I certainly should have been). I proceeded to heat the wax in the microwave -  probably a few seconds too long than what I should have (but who keeps count of these things).  Little did I know that beneath the wax’s seemingly calm surface lay a superheated cauldron of pain primed for eruption. Sticking the wooden application  into the wax resulted in burning hot liquid exploding all over the floor, on my clothes, and oh yes, did I mention the flesh of my left  hand?  So, this is what it feels like to have the sun fall out of the sky and land on me. Ouch.  I quickly found myself at the sink running my burning hand under cold water and then I saw it - a big white speech bubble with my grandmother’s words in bold Greek font ‘ Vale Vootiro’ - for those who can’t read Greek  - ‘Apply butter’.

Enough with the Greek lesson.  We all know that butter really has only one purpose - if you eat enough of it clogs your arteries and makes you fat.  Butter is certainly not intended for burnt skin - unless of course you are a cannibal that prefers a barbequed limb with a knob of butter on the top.  (For health reasons however, I do suggest cannibals lay off the butter).

But getting back on track, my burnt hand and butter experience got me thinking about lies.  I wrote an article a while ago called  ‘Tale telling - the unusual stories parents tell their children’.  In this article, I explain that older people often tell children stories (such as mandarins grow in your stomach if you swallow pips)  to either keep young children safe from harm, or to manipulate their behaviour to align with the social norms of the day.   In my grandmother’s case she probably got told by her mother that butter was good for burns and she believed it without ever bothering to question it.  Whilst this was not a blatant lie, it was a hazardous untruth so I was curious to explore the subject of lying further.

Going back to my body parts again to illustrate this point, I went to a peridontist (FYI a gum specialist) to help me resolve a persistent swollen gum problem.  I was surprised to learn that  mouth washes and toothpastes are relatively useless when it comes to optimal gum and tooth care, instead effective brushing and flossing and other such inter-dental practices are the key to healthy gums and teeth.  More interestingly, fancy electric toothbrushes are no more effective than plain old fashioned boring toothbrushes.

After learning this fact, I did some quick mental calculations to discover that I could have saved so much time in my life if I  had known this!  All those hours wasted on deliberating over the flavour of Listerine.  All lies designed by clever and creative marketers to make us believe that we are required to buy these products to keep our teeth from falling out.  So now I use an ordinary looking toothbrush, my brushing technique is spot on and with the aid of dental picks - voila, healthy teeth and gums.  Although I must admit I can’t fathom the idea of not using toothpaste - hey I have an entitlement to pick and choose which lies I like after all!

We know that marketers claim that products can do things that they really cannot  i.e. make you more attractive to that guy you like, slimmer, smarter, richer, younger and so on. Have you ever noticed that most products appeal to our most base desires and needs? But that’s another story.

What about the lies that are handed down from generation to generation  i.e. genetically inherited lies like religion. A most contested and touchy subject for most.  We are born into our religion, no argument there,  have you ever seen a devout Catholic family decide to raise a protestant child?  I was once told by my grandmother (the same one that prescribed butter for my burn) that the Greek Orthodox religion was the right religion and all the other religions were wrong.  So who is misguided here, the Greek Orthodox religion or every single other religion in the world?  Either way someone is telling porky pies.  I recently read an article on the top 15 examples of Christian propaganda, one of which used some rather dubious statistics to persuade people that homosexuals are serial killers.  Perhaps the players think they are ‘enLIEtened?’ 

How about the lies we tell ourselves? These can be lies about our feelings and emotions or lies about our behaviours. For example smoking.  As an ex-smoker I have a personal entitlement to tell you that I am familiar with every self deception in the big fat book of deceptions. Hey that could be a bestseller. Here are some examples of lies we tell ours in order to feel better about smoking:
• My grandfather smoked and he lived to be 101 years old…
• But smoking relaxes me…
• We are all going to die of something in the end anyway…
• At least I have cut down from two packs a day to one.

The cold hard truth is that all smokers are looking for an excuse not to quit - don’t bother lying to yourself just be honest… go get yourself a packet of alpine cigarettes with a low milligram number -  the fresh menthol taste is good for your red blood cell supply and the low tar count makes the cigarette much safer and healthier.

Lies, lies everywhere.  They exist in aisle 11 at the supermarket - peppermint, fresh-mint gel or herbal? A few more in aisle 3 will make that girl at the gym want you, and a couple more in aisle 13 may even make you some serious money so you can get the girl at the gym and the one in who lives in Unit 3.  They are handed down by my family (genetically modified lies)  and are even handed out to me by my very own self. -  you mean gold packaging on cigarette packs doesn’t prevent lung cancer?  Ultimately where does the truth lie? Certainly not in words, nor in emotions, both are the vehicles for colossal fibs and fibbers. Perhaps truth can only be found in the slow silence of a quiet soul. Maybe you know?

2 January
Effie was acting as though nothing was going on between us but we both knew that yesterday had changed us all. We acted as if nothing was wrong. This was my first day that I started smoking. I had tried it a few years back but today I used depression as an excuse. Effie and me sat there smoking like idiots. We bumped into Mario, it was so embarrassing.

3 January
Eff and me went Claudio hunting. We saw him, God he is gorgeous, dark tan and beautiful blue eyes. I am so shy in front of him, I never know what to say so I look into his blue eyes and just want to die! But for some reason he seems to like Effie, I can tell. Ah well payback!

5 January
Went to Chapel Street with Simone, on the way back on the bus a guy said I had a nice bum in Greek. He obviously did not realize I was Greek and understood what he had said, so I turned around and thanked him in Greek - it was just so funny, we all started laughing. Mum and me talked about Tim. She wants to build a little granny flat for her at the back of our house because she is such a pain. Tim will move in but if my gran continues to annoy us mum and Tim will move to the county. I bloody object! Bullshit I am staying in Clayton!!

6 January
Effie and me went to my house to watch a video, then she went to get a facial and then something funny happened. On the way to my house, we were on the bus and I got off first. Eff was talking to Kathy’s older brother Tony and was being sarcastic to him when all of a sudden I heard a thump. She fell off the bus and landed on the bus steps in front of everyone! After the facial we went back to Effie’s for a smoke. I hate myself for smoking.

7 January
Went to Eff’s and went for a walk, Mario was outside with a group of guys, he whistled to grab our attention but we ignored him. Then he sent Alex and his friends to tell us he wants to go out with anyone of us! What a total dickhead. Effie sent him a message saying that we were not available to sleaze buckets. We later found out from Alex that he went bright red in front of his friends when Alex gave him our message.

8 January
I started work at the Hot Bread shop in Clayton today, it was fun but I made a lot of mistakes! Later that night Eff and I went to the hang out at Safeway and have a smoke and two guys started talking to us, then another came up to me and recognized me from Primary and High School. We hung out until the cops showed up at 11.30 and asked what we were doing out so late and took our names, address and date of birth and we started packing shit! We left and on the way home, we saw my dad, Vicky and Alex around the corner with the car - they had come to look for us and were very shitty. Eff and I went to try and get rid of the smell of smoke and went straight to bed.

13 January
I went to Effie’s to hang out and she told me that Mahzed had told her that King (that 22 year old likes me). Oh God that is all I need - he is way too old. We saw King later on and talked for a while. King is a nice guy but there is no way I would ever want to go out with him - he puts me off in that way. So there we were, Effie, King and me. Eff told King she liked Mario. King told her that Mario liked to be with a lot of girls, at one stage Eff left me along with King, I was embarrassed, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I wanted to run away and kill Eff for leaving me along with King!

14 January
Went to the pools with Eff, Mario was there, I couldn’t stand the sight of him, he thought he was ace, I thought he was pathetic. We bumped into Johnny and Claudio on the way home, they invited us to watch them play soccer later on so we went home to get ready but Vicky told us we were invited to Gran’s for tea. We told her we had something urgent to do and we had to go somewhere else and after a lot of squabbling she let us go but told us to be back at 9.30. She said that Dad had a man following us and that if he found out we would all be dead meat! So off we went but guess what - no one turned up at soccer so we got mad after waiting for two hours and then left. On the way home we bumped into Nick but then my dad drove past and saw us talking to guys so I started to shit myself. Later, Alex told us that my Dad was really mad but as usual I saw nothing of it - he just keeps it bottled up. Parents suck, they don’t like us doing anything, my dad hates it when I talk to guys. The folks went out to get a video so we went out and saw Mario on the street. Eff talked to him and I didn’t and when I opened my mouth to say one word he said ‘oh so you can talk’. F*ck he is a dick.

18 January
I met up with Michelle, her boyfriend Leon and his friend Fernando that Michelle has been trying to set me up with. He is pretty damn hot, we went into the City. At first Fernando was shy so I thought he wasn’t interested but then I found out differently. We went to the movies, we were sitting down one end and Fernando sitting at the other end. Then everyone got up and moved one seat up so Fernando could come sit next to me, it was really embarrassingly obvious. He was shy, like really shy. Later that night I spoke to Michelle who said Fernando likes me.

19 January
That night I sat down to do some serious thinking about Claudio, Fernando and Nick. I don’t know who I like most. I think I like Claudio more but because Fernando likes me and I have a chance with him so maybe I should like him more. I really don’t know what to do. I think it’s out of Claudio and Fernando. If I go out with Fernando I will be thinking of Claudio, If I went out with Claudio I wouldn’t worry about Fernando probably because he lives so far away where as Claudio I see a lot. Maybe I will just go out with whoever I get first - that’s if I get anyone.

21 January
Effie and me went to Clayton to post the love letter we had been inspired to write last night. That morning we had finished it off. We finished it off by saying ‘I’d die for you Mario’ and wrote a poem. We put red lipstick on it and sprayed it with perfume. At the time it seemed like a good letter, but that night we realised how stupid it all sounded.

25 January
We hung out in Mario’s court with the guys, King was still wearing my bandana that I had leant to him a few days ago and asked when I wanted it back. I really wanted it back but I told him to keep it for as long as he liked, so he said OK and that he would give me something of his in exchange.. Ewww I don’t want his stuff! Eff and I walked home but the folks wouldn’t let us in the house because they thought we had come back too late so they locked us out till 1 pm.

26 January
Eff and I got ready for our walk - it took 2 hours to do our hair! Anyway we walked up and down the street for two hours, we decided to head for home when it got late but then we saw Mario, so we stopped then Mario asked Eff for her bandanna so he took it and tied it around his wrist, then he asked us to go for a walk so I decided to leave them alone so I made up an excuse that I had to go make a phone call but she didn’t like that idea and made a fuss so we all just stood there. Then Mario started behaving strangely telling me that I played hard to get and how he doesn’t like being rejected. Later that night Effie told me there is something funny going on between me and Mario. This made me nervous for some reason.

29 January
Well tonight was the night I finally coped it from my dad. My mum came over and finally my dad exploded with a vengeance. He tried to hit me but I backed away so he missed, he called us sluts and accused me of stuff I had not even done, he said someone has been following us reporting on the things we do. Every time I tried to tell him the truth he would not listen and just kept shouting. He said he heard me and Effie talking the other night we got locked out about some party we had gone to and some guy had apparently touched me. What f*cking drugs is my dad on, he is so way wrong - I have no idea what he heard or where he is getting this information from. He went on and on saying we are never allowed to hang around the streets and how everyone thinks we are sluts trying to pick up guys. This went on for an hour. I had no choice but to be quiet, all I knew was that he was wrong, all we have done is talk to guys - but he thinks we have done much worse. Me and Eff cried our eyes out later that night.

1 February
This is the last day before school begins again boo hoo. As I sit here I think about all these things that have happened this summer, it sure has not been boring, this summer has changed my entire life. On one hand I have met stacks of guys, on the other hand the folks are really pissed off at us - thank god my dad exploded at the end of the holidays! I started smoking but I decided to quit, it’s horrible anyway. That night Eff called to tell me that King wants to buy something for my birthday - oh my god, my life sux shockingly.

2 February
First day of school was OK, I can tell Year 11 is going to be a hard year with lots of work ahead of me. Anyway after school I got a huge shock, mum told me she had found out about everything - someone had seen me and Eff smoking and getting into guys cars. My dad had also found out about Safeway as the cops had called. My dad came over but I think he was tired of yelling so he spoke to me calmly but sternly. He told me about the risks of smoking which I found ridiculous given he smokes like a chimney! I told him I had only smoked a few times and had stopped anyway but nothing I tell my dad seems to make a difference.

3 February
I don’t like staying at home anymore. Mum doesn’t know what to do with me, I don’t know what to do with me! For some reason mum thinks I will turn into a slut and get pregnant. Of course I won’t - why don’t parents understand that just because we know a few guys and try out smoking, this doesn’t mean we are ruining our lives! We are just doing normal teenage things! I am so frustrated. That night mum told me I was no longer allowed to go to Effie’s so naturally we had a huge fight. My life is hell, my mother doesn’t trust me, we fight for stupid reasons. All I can say is that I can’t wait to turn 18 so I can do what I want!

5 February
After work I went to Effie’s and we saw Mario. We were sitting on the fence and he came and started talking to us, I noticed my feelings for Mario and had to stop myself because of Eff.

6 February
Found out something really hilarious today at school. In maths I sat next to Lorella and Suzie who I often saw at the pool during summer talking to Claudio a lot. I thought he liked Suzie but then she laughed and told me they were just friends and she was actually going out with his best friend Emi. She then asked me why I called him Claudio, so I looked at her strangely and said well isn’t that his name? Then they told me Claudio’s name is really Ian and instead of having an Argentinean background, he has a Scottish background. Oh my God, what a put off!

8 February
Off to three day camp destination Mt Eliza to ’strengthen our spiritual development’ and all that bullshit.

12 February
My 16th birthday! After work I went to Effie’s, we bumped into King and his mates, they all sang Happy Birthday and invited us out to eat but of course we could not go and we went our separate ways, then we saw Mario who asked us to go to the beach with him but of course we could not go. Oh well.

14 February
I got nothing for Valentine’s Day - how depressing, not even one card! When I got home I saw a bunch of letters in mum’s room but no cards for me. I did my homework unenthusiastically - God that word took up half a line, and then retired to bed with a book.

19 February
OK, so I am finding myself quite attracted to Mario, sigh.

23 February
Eff called me to tell me she had spent an hour talking to Mario last night and that she really really likes him so much that she cannot concentrate on her school work. She must really be in love with him. I need to stop liking him.

2 March
At school today I found out from Lorella and Suzie that Claudio or Ian or whatever his stupid name is has a fake tooth, laughed so hard! I had a huge fight with mum after school, she was tired and hot and got mad at me for nothing which she admitted later but only after she rang dad telling him how bad I was! I am telling you this is a mess.

6 March
Jacquie told us her parents were going out on the weekend and asked us over so we could go to a disco called Tochach. My friends weren’t planning to tell their parents but I knew that I had to ask mum otherwise I would feel so low after all the trouble I was in. I don’t feel like any more trouble.

7 March
We all organised the details about Saturday, everyone was telling their parents lies except for me - I could tell that some of the girls could not understand why I had to tell mum, but I really needed to. I am sure if I lied to her she would find out and there would be big trouble and she would never trust me again. I had to tell her even if it meant her saying no - which is most likely.

8 March
Tonight I told mum about Saturday. I got straight to the point when she came home from work, I told her my friends were going behind their parents back so we ended up having a deep talk but she said no. I got really upset and did not talk to her. Deep down I knew that if I had a 16 year old daughter who wanted to go to an over 18 disco I would probably say no.

9 March
I was so embarrassed at school today. Mum rang me during class and I had to leave to go take the call in the office. She wanted to tell me that she loved me and if I told her the details of the disco and if my cousin came she would let me go. I was happy but did not get my hopes high, after school I dropped past mum’s work so we could talk it over. Now the only thing is to ask my cousin if she could come but when I rang her she told me she had made plans that she could not cancel. F*ck I still can’t go!

10 March
In a way I didn’t feel that bad about not going out on Saturday but with me and my idioticness, I acted as though I was still angry with my mum. I thought it through, my friends were going to get there early and leave during the time most people get there anyway, besides I could not get home as mum was not able to pick me up and there was no way I wanted to get home by train or taxi. I rang Eff and we talked for ages about everything.

11 March
I was over my madness of not going out tonight so I went to Chadstone with Eff to buy some clothes. I ended up buying a top and a record.

14 March|
I found out how my friends went at Tock - or rather how they did not go. First they went to a party but left soon afterward as it was dead. Instead of going to Toch they ended up at Amadeus because it was closer, the bouncers were asking for ID and since my friends did not have fake IDs they did not get in so they end up at McDonald’s, then ended up at Sharon’s roasting marshmallows.

23 March
Had a great girl’s night at Helena’s house. We bought Simone a kitten for Easter to surprise her and decided to name him Soda Pop. Soda pissed all over the house! We all had huge D & Ms and talked about the good old primary school days and pigged out on junk.

2 April
Eff rang and told me that Mario out of the blue asked Alex ‘where is your sister, I want to ask her if she likes me’. I don’t know if Eff thinks this but which bloody sister did he mean - the real sister or the step sister!! F*ck why do I always write about him - I think I kind of like him and I think I want him to like me. I am so f*cked.

22 April
Eff and I saw Nick at the milk bar, he was completely dumbfounded and then he said hello and went red in the face. He then started flicking the magazines and absent-mindedly picked up a Playboy magazine without realizing so I started to laugh but had to hold it in. Eff convinced me that he liked me, I had to hear it from her to be 100% sure.

23 April
I finished work at 2 today and I wished that I hadn’t because I wouldn’t have done what I what I did when I got home. It was so bad. I rang Eff and she convinced me that she should ring Nick to tell him I liked him. So I agreed but only on the condition that she told him that I didn’t know what she was doing. While she was ringing I was so nervous. When she got off the phone, she told me that he was speechless and confused and was silent for a minute or so then he said he had no idea I felt this way and then said he was sort of with another girl at school. He kept repeating that he had no idea I liked him. I swear I got so mad with him for leading me on as I knew he had. I was really shitty.

24 April
I found Eff dead this morning. Well maybe I should explain that. I had four gold fish and arranged their names based on couples - Effie and Mario and Kath and Nick. Eff was the cute little fat one (not that she is fat), The big black one is Mario, the other two me and Nick. Well I found Eff dead. Anyway that night I told Eff (the person) that if she ever saw Nick again that she should tell him that I am over him, it was just a crush and I that am seeing someone else.

2 May
Eff rang me in tears to tell me that Mario was going out with another girl. I felt bad for her, sometimes I think she loves Mario more than she loves her mum.

5 May
Well tomorrow is the big day that we move into a flat with Tim. I felt sad and took my budgie’s cage into my room that night because I was upset that I could not take him with me to the new place because there is no where he can fly around. He will be happy with my gran and I will come visit him all the time.

6 May
Moving day today, I had a tough day because my room is a lot smaller than my old one and could not fit much in. By the end of the day I was frustrated because nothing fit and I could not organise my stuff. Later I went to Dad’s because they were having a big party for his Name day and I rocked up with my tracksuit pants only to find everyone dressed really well. Dad was not happy with me.

7 May
I already miss my old house, my room, my budgie, even my fish and grandmother.

12 May
Tonight I went to an underage disco. We went to pick up Effie in the car and on the way my mum started giving me shit. I called her a bitch because she told me I could pack up my bags and leave for no reason. I called her crazy, so she was going to turn back and not take us so I had to say sorry. I said it but I did not mean it. My mum said it was all my fault that Tim (her boyfriend) was upset and things were not working out. I hated her so much, she was laying into me for no reason at all. I really hate living in his house. I want to ask her if I can go and live with my grandmother because I have bad feelings towards Tim. At first the disco looked like it was going to be shit but then we danced like crazy and caused a scene.

13 May
I slept in till late, mum was at work so I was alone with Time and decided to stay in my room until mum came from work. I didn’t want to see Tim at all.  Then I packed my bags so I could go stay with my gran. I slept in mum’s old bed which was hard and uncomfortable and even though I was alone, I felt happy.

16 May
I had another fight with mum today, this time it was about going out for Sharon’s birthday. I swear she chucks the shits badly lately.

9 June
At my social, there was one guy to every 20 girls and I was not in the mood to dance or have fun, the night was heading for a huge FLOP until… this guy wanted to dance with me, his name was Arthur who goes to CBC which coincidentally have their social this Friday and Simone and me are going. As the night went on we got closer and he put his arms around my waist, put is hands in mine and his head on my shoulder etc etc. There was a slow song so he led me to the dance floor put his arms around my waist and we slowly danced. He then took me into a corner and began to kiss my face and neck but I would not let him kiss me in in front of my teachers. But I felt as though I was in a movie, everyone was staring including my teachers who were smiling at me. My art teacher started teasing me. I loved every minute of it…but I still like Mahzed… what am I going to do?

11 June
Had a girls night at Simone’s. We watched videos and stuffed our faces until we were sick. We at McDonalds, lollies and then Kentucky and then watched the tennis and then ate some more. I had the worst stomach ache, we all stayed up the whole night and finally fell asleep at 5 in the morning.

12 June
After a few hours sleep we woke up but stayed in bed and watched another video. For breakfast I ate a left over hamburger and some more lollies and felt really sick again. None of us bothered to get dressed so we stayed in our PJs until late afternoon.

16 June
I met Arthur at his social. On the dance floor it was hilarious, we danced in a group with my friends and his friends, Simone had already seen him dance so she knew what was coming and held back her laughter but Christine and Effie cracked up - we all did when he did a 360 degree spin, he thinks he is Michael Jackson! We ended up kissing but I didn’t like the way he kissed. As the night went on I realized I was getting more and more put off him. His black shoes and white socks did not help. Then he was telling me about how jealous his ex girlfriend used to get when he talked to other girls, he was very friendly with my friend Amanda and had the nerve to ask me if that made me jealous. By the end of the night I actually hated him.

17 June
I slept at Eff’s and I told her that I don’t think I like Arthur, then went I went back to gran’s, mum came over and seemed upset and told me there was something wrong that had to do with me and Arthur. I was confused so mum told me that someone had seen us at the social yesterday and had told their parents who then told my dad. I tried to figure out who knows me and my dad but I have no idea. So I rang dad to ask him but he said he wouldn’t tell me anything until Thursday and that he does not know who told him - Bullshit. I am sick and tired of my parents and their weird bullshit and being accused of stuff. I did not even do anything apart from a few kisses which I did not even like so it was not even worth getting into trouble over!

20 June
Saw Mario on the train today, he was staring at me with a stupid smile on his face. Weird, but as much as I try to ignore it, I am pretty sure I like him.

25 June
So excited, have two weeks off from school, went to work today and after work mum came to see me at gran’s and began to lecture me on at least five different topics. We yelled at each other a lot and she told me that every time she goes to dad’s house, Vicky and dad tell mum that I do wrong things. I was so mad about it and then felt bad that mum cops it every time she goes there. I don’t even do anything wrong so I just don’t understand and can’t even explain it to the parents. That night I wanted to go to dad’s and planned to tell them a few things, so I caught the bus and went over. Dad was not home but I told Vicky that I was upset at finding out that my mum cops it every time she comes over here - I told her everything that was on my mind. Pity my dad was not there.

28 June
I spoke to Arthur on the phone, we had long moments of uncomfortable silence. I really think that I need to drop him, I can’t go on with this any further, he puts me off.

30 June
I called Arthur and got straight to the point, but then I felt bad because he was upset and did not want to break up. He asked me the reason for the break up but I could not tell him that I was put off him so I told him that I was too young to have a serious relationship! So that is the end of that!

2 July
Today I really and truly admitted something to myself. Mario walked past my work today and Angela noticed that he was staring, I could not serve him when he walked in as I was serving another customer but I could feel my face going hot and red. When he left even the customer told me he was really staring. Angela asked me if I liked him so I told her I was attracted to him, anyway she knows about the New Year’s thing and Effie liking him and she told me that she thinks deep down I have feeling for him but I hide them because of Eff. Apparently my reaction when he came in was quite strong and gave me away. Damn I think she is right but she reckons he likes me too. I don’t know about that but I am so damn confused.

5 July
Sharon, myself and Simone decided to make some fake IDs, we changed our date of birth on our birth certificate and then photocopied it so it looked like we were 18. Good idea!

8 July
Had a scary experience on the bus today on the way to Eff’s. There was a Asian guy sitting on the bus with his girlfriend and a huge bikie looking guy got on at the next stop - he reeked of beer and started to pick on the Asian guy, there was huge fight and the bikie guy took out a knife and then grabbed the Asian guy’s girlfriend and threw her across the seat. It was really bad, everyone was really scared.

13 July
I wanted to go to Warehouse with Eff on Saturday because Mario might be there. My mum agreed only on the condition that my cousin would come and we could get a lift there and back. My cousin said she was able to come. My friends also wanted to come but were not telling their parents and wanted to tell them it was a sleep over at my house but my mum would not let that happen. I felt a bit crap about it all. I got my school photos back, man I look so ugly!

15 July
Tonight is the night - disco night. I was feeling a bit nervous on the way wondering if we were going to get in, we told mum to drop us off before the entrance so no one would see that we were getting dropped off by my mum but she said she would wait around for a while in case we got knocked back. Thankfully the bouncer let us in, it was fairly early and there were not too many people there but the place was huge! We went upstairs and I checked out the DJ who was cute! By 10.30 the place was packed and we could not move, I noticed it was a very woggy scene which I did not really like - some idiot guy started blowing in my ear, what a dickhead. Mum had told me to be back by 2, so we left at 1.30, overall it was a good night and I love dancing!

23 July
Mario came into my work today, I actually spoke to him, he asked me how my mum was - he is so gorgeous, his smile gave me shivers. I told my mum about how I kissed Mario on New Years that night and now I have a big crush on him.

6 August
Work was OK, I finished at 2pm so I ended up going to Effie’s after. It was funny because I thought we weren’t going anywhere so I wore my tracksuit pants and moccasins. Effie wanted to go for a walk but I didn’t want to go in my moccasins so we made up a bandage for my left and pretended I was limping - ha ha ha. We saw Mario four times.

11 August
I saw Arthur again at the station, he was talking to some girl and then as soon as he saw me he grabbed the girl and started getting on with her - I swear he is a disgusting put off, as if I care! He makes me sick.

14 August
This whole past week has been f*cked. Bad luck is following me around. Firstly I saw Arthur, he tapped me on the shoulder - Yuk! Then I saw Mario and got rolled because when the train came I thought he didn’t get on as the carriages were too packed. I didn’t know he was standing behind me and I said to my friend, ha ha he is going to be late to work and he heard - oops! Then at school I got f*cked on by my principal, he wanted to see me in his office most likely I guessed because of my hair. In first class in Art, I cut myself with a tool and cut some flesh out of my little finger - ouch. At recess I went to the principals office and I was right it was my hair. I convinced the principal that it was my natural colour but the gel made it look lighter, so he then picked on me about my gel - he is such a bastard. My friends dog also died and I opened my big mouth. I noticed she was upset but she did not mention why. During Art I said ‘ oh yeh, Pet Cemetery is on at the movies’ and that made her cry. I didn’t know that her dog and been run over and had to be put down.

16 August
Today at school was the start of the Year 11 Christian sexuality program - BORING and STUPID.

21 August
At school we had to watch a program on abortion, it was absolutely disgusting.

26 August
Eff, me and Kath were going to Warehouse tonight with Kath’s brother Tony. After a busy day we realised we had only under two hours to get ready so we had to hurry it up! The place was unbelievably sleazy as but I really liked one of Tony’s friends who was very quiet the whole night. While I was dancing this guy came up to me and started kissing my neck - he was a put off so I pushed him away. Yuk. I just wanted to dance - I love dancing.

7 September
Found out from mum’s boyfriend Tim that he got me a full time job at Hoechst in the public relations section during for a month during my holidays in December. Cool can’t wait.

9 September
F*ck I hate parents sometimes. My mum rang me in the morning to tell me that she had talked to Effie’s mum and we could not go to Warehouse. Effie chucked a mental and then a big fight went on and my dad told my mum I had caused Effie to be slack in her work and before I came along she was fine. F*ck them all I thought.

10 September
Today was the day that Eff and me started to admit things. Well it all started with Mario, he came past my work like 50 million times so Christine from work told Eff that she thinks Mario likes me. Anyway Eff rang me to tell me what Christine told her but I denied it She also asked me if I liked him and I denied it too. I could not admit it. She told me that she had been so jealous after New Year and that she had always wanted revenge. I was so shocked! She told me a few months ago when we were all on the same bus that he had made some sleazy move towards me whilst I was not looking and that Eff was convinced he liked me. I told her it can’t be true. I don’t think I am his type, what would he see in me, he is older as well, why wouldn’t he want to go out with someone his age?

11 September
Myer rang me today, they want to interview me for work during Xmas. I have the job at Hoechst now so I don’t know what I am going to do. Had a lot of trouble trying to figure it out. I guess I have not got the Myers job yet but I am confused about everything right now - the Myer job and Mario.

16 September
At the bus stop these two guys came up to me, they introduced themselves as Dougal (ha ha) and Joff from New Zealand. They invited me over to their house for ‘a beer’ and that instantly turned me off. I hate beer! Then they said there was a party at their house later this evening. They seemed fairly loutish and I did not trust them, I knew better than to go off with two strange guys but they kept insisting so I told them to give me their phone numbers so I could get them off my back. Anyway their accents were off putting as well!

17 September
Dougal and Joff came into my work today and kept hassling me so I told them I would meet them later and then I ditched them. Later at Eff’s Alex said he saw Mario and Mahzed go past my work and look in. Then Eff sarcastically said, ‘we all know why, don’t we Kath’. F*ck this is bad, I don’t know what to think or believe but I do know that she must know I really do like him because Eff and I know so much about each other - we always know what the other one is thinking.

21 September
What a start to the holidays, tonight me and my friends were going to Amadeus nightclub. I am not telling mum though even I feel bad because she know trusts me. Anyway there was a huge line and people were getting backed not only for ID problems but they did not meet the dress code. Fortunately we got in but had to fill a stat deck which stated we were 18 - whoops! Ended up having a great night on the dance floor though.

26 September
Saw Mario today, he asked me some really weird questions about what I was planning to do when I finished school, if I was passing and then when was I leaving to go to a ‘proper’ school. What the f*ck does that mean! Idiot he is sometimes. Anyway I hung around with Simone today at Chadstone and then went to see Eff, I had to ring mum to tell her where I was and she told me she knew everything about going out to a nightclub last week. Apparently someone rang her at work ‘anonymously’ and said ‘ha ha my dear lady, you think your daughter stays over her at friend’s house but she is going behind your back and goes to discos and parties’. Mum said the person was trying to disguise their voice. Thankfully mum was really nice and understanding about what I did and I promised never to lie again - but who the f*ck was it that rang and wants to get me into trouble?

8 October
All I can say is that I love Mario, I saw him with Kath today and we went over to say hello. We kept sneaking looks at each other and I could tell he was flirting with me. Then later on I caught a bus to Eff’s but no one was home so I walked back to the bus stop and waited for the bus. Mario drove past and then things turned strange - he stopped right in front of me for a second but then drove off again as if he did not know what to do. The he drove into Safeway, around the car park then drove past me again, I just sat there wondering what on earth he was doing. So weird. Anyway then Brendan and his mates came up to say hello, I think Brendan likes me -he seems like a nice guy but I can’t look at him as a boyfriend. As soon as I got on the busy, Mario drove past again very slowly. Weird.

11 October
I saw Arthur wearing tight red bicycle shorts - yuk put off! Later on I was at home alone and had this urge to ring Mario and tell him the whole story about liking him etc etc. I wanted some advice so I called Simone who told me to go for it, then I rang my cousin who also said to go for it. So feeling nervous I rang up a few times and then hung up before dialing the last number. Then I finally decided just to get it over and done with so I rang and his brother picked up the phone and told me Mario was at night school and wanted to know who I was. I did not tell him but asked what time he would be home, he asked me again who I was, I said ‘oh it’s alright’ and then he said that it was not alright but I still did not give him my name! I lost my nerve and did not try to phone back later.

12 October
Went to the U2 concert - it was unreal. Bono was sexy. I thought about my call to Mario yesterday, thank God he wasn’t home because I would have regretted it shockingly.

20 October
I stayed at my Gran’s, Eff came over and we watched a video. She absolutely insists she does not like Mario anymore, she likes this Jim character now. I think she still likes Mario but is trying to get over him.

22 October
Work was good, I saw Mario a few times, in the morning he drove past 3 times, twice in a row. Then I saw him on my lunch break, he drove past with his gorgeous smile and flashed his lights and beeped and waved. Eff came into work and told me she wanted to tell me something but she did not have the courage to tell me, I asked her it had something to do with Mario, and she said yes. I asked her if I had done something, she said that I know what it is and it would have been better if I had come to her first. I am not sure what she means.

23 October
I have decided to not bug Effie about what she has to say even though I am dying to know what it is. Anyway I have to focus on my exams and I have lots of studying to do.

27 October
Today Eff told me what was on her mind. I felt really shit, she told me to go for Mario because she knew for a fact that he liked me. Apparently he had asked Kath if I had picked up at Warehouse that day and other stuff I did not know about. She said she was learning to get over him and really wanted us to get together. I did not know what to say, it just did not feel right but she said she has had enough of all the bullshit and said that we are all in awkward positions and she feels as though she is in between us. I was speechless, she is actually giving me her blessing. Wow! I told her I did like him but I am not really certain he likes me, I am just not sure even though other people seem to think so too. Eff wants to talk to him and tell him that she feels she is in the way.

29 October
Eff and I saw Mario after work, I can’t hack this anymore - I told Eff to ring him tomorrow and ask him to meet her so this business can be settled once and for all. So tomorrow is the day we will know the truth once and for all. Whether it hurts or not we will all be relieved because I think I have had enough.

30 October
Today was finally here. I was nervous by 6 but deep down I had a gut feeling that he would tell Eff that he did not like me. I was right. At least now I can get on with my life and forget about him. Effie asked if he like me and he asked he where she had heard that from, then he asked her if I liked him and kept asking until she told him that I did. He then told her that he did not like me. Eff then said ‘I have heard you go up and down the bakery to see her every weekend’ -I can’t believe she said that. Anyway I have to admit that he gave out some mixed signals and at times he really convinced me that he liked me - especially when I go back through this diary, the evidence is clear. Why do guys do that, Nick seemed to do it too. Oh well at least now I can continue my life without him on my mind. It’s all over.

31 October
Well I am calm about this, the less I think about it the better I feel. He said what he said and I know now that he lead me on. I am angry more so because he is a tease.

3 November
Went to Eff’s and discussed the Mario thing. How I wish I could put it all behind me, now he probably thinks that I think he goes past my work to see me - how humiliating. And on top of that he probably thinks I am going around thinking he likes me. Shit I feel like crap.

5 November
I saw Mario during my lunch break at work and felt really embarrassed and flat. Eff rang later that night and told me she talked to Alex today and Mario asked her how Eff was, then added ‘and how is your other sister - what’s her name - oh yeah the one who I am supposed to like’. What a bastard! I want to smash his brains in.

24 November
Dreaded going to school to find out my exam results - I did not really study at all so I expected some failures. I noticed a few girls crying but when I opened up my English folder I was so happy that I had passed all my exams!! OK I had just passed maths but all the rest were OK! Phew. Year 12 here I come and note to self - study next year. I was lucky I passed this year without hardly studying.

28 November
Second day of working at Hoechst - I hate it so far and I can’t stand the thought of working here for the next four weeks, the people are very snobby and the girls are bitchy cows. I can’t seem to do anything right but there is a cute guy who is fixing the elevators - he is blond and sort of stupid looking but he has a great body.

29 November
The elevator guy was working with another guy who I met called Matt. Matt is very hot - sexy green eyes. Yum. I had to pack 200 calendars and wrap 100 presents and tie ribbons on them - exhausting work and so boring.

7 December
I got a shock today, Eff rang to tell me that she was leaving for Greece in a couple of days, the folks bought her a ticket and did not get me one! I bet they want to split us up during the summer holidays.

9 December
Went to the airport to see Eff off. I still can’t believe she is leaving and she won’t be around for the holidays. Peri was at the airport, he used to go to the same school as me, his dad was on the same plane with Eff so we all sat to watch the plane take off. Peri asked me out tomorrow so I said yes, what am I getting myself into?

10 December
Peri came to pick me up at 2pm. We decided to hang out at the museum out of all places. He held my hand and we kissed but he spoiled it and one stage and said ‘guess this means we are going steady?’ . Ewwww who uses the word ’steady!’, Oh my god, does this mean I have landed myself a boyfriend? He wants to go Xmas shopping and wants to take me to a 21st, he wants me to spend Xmas Eve with his family.. God he’s got plans!!!!! Shit I don’t know how I feel about all of this.

11 December
Today at work I had time to sort out my feelings and decided to ring Peri to tell him he is going fast and that I am not ready to get involved in a relationship. I told him that I am just not ready for a serious boyfriend. He was really upset but I can’t help that I am put off!

13 December
I bumped into Shane at work, he is another of the elevator crew, he is creepy because he keeps staring. Shane offered me a lift after work but I said no, for all I know he could be a bloody rapist.

16 December
Worked at the chemist today, man I have been working three different jobs every single day during my holidays, bakery, Hoechst and chemist - very tired but making a lot of money! I feel left out at the chemist because the girls are a lot older than me and seem close.

19 December
I hate working at Hoechst, it’s depressing and they make me feel like shit. I rang up today and told them I was not coming in, I could not face it today so instead I decided to go Xmas shopping with Sharon.

22 December
Last day at Hoechst, goodbye Hoechst, hello beach! Shane asked me out but I can’t get over his creepiness, good looks not enough in this case. Later I did an evening shift at the chemist.

25 December
Merry Xmas. I fell in love again today, this time with George. We spent the day with Eff’s cousins - Vivi and Paul. George is a family friend, he has a great tan and body. Yum.

31 December
Last day of diary. Last year of the 80s! Went to Christine’s for a pool party, loads of fun. What is in store for the 90s?

Stay tuned for the next action packed Katherine diary entries - what happens to the obsession in the 90s?

Hanging out with my friends - not surprisingly I have the food!

the classic late 80s half up half down hair style

On our way to the BROS concert - oh the humiliation!

Fringe and jeans and BROS like shoes - ewwwwwwww! ]]> http://nothingvanilla.com/the-katherine-diaries-part-two-1989/feed http://nothingvanilla.com/the-katherine-diaries-part-one-1984-1987 http://nothingvanilla.com/the-katherine-diaries-part-one-1984-1987#comments Wed, 07 Apr 2010 22:55:51 +0000 kimbakat3 http://nothingvanilla.com/?p=302 Recently I stumbled upon my diaries from age 11 - 20 stashed away in my old keepsake boxes.  Curious to re-discover my youthful thoughts and secrets, I plonked myself down on my beanbag.  After thumbing through a few pages, the addiction kicked in and I found myself spending days wading through pages of my self-centred and boy crazy thoughts.  Sometimes I would laugh but mostly I cringed with embarrassment.  Nevertheless I pushed on and even found the courage to share my most embarrassing entries with my partner Julian (who understandably gave me the most disturbing looks each time I would read out a humiliating paragraph).

Although my diary entries are cringe-making, they captured moments that I would otherwise not have remembered and I am grateful that I wrote them.  In my younger days I would have rather let Satan extract my nails and teeth with one by one with pliers than let anyone know my secrets, thoughts and feelings but now with the distance of time I have absolutely no problem with sharing my most private thoughts from my world many years ago. (but I better do it quickly before I change my mind!).

And so the humiliating journey begins…..

1984  (11 years old)  The pre-boy years
The front and back of my diary is scribbled with nonsense like ‘this diary is messy because I do a lot of mistakes’.  I also see that I have crushes on ‘Boy George’ and ‘George Michael’ .. Obviously I have some understanding about the term ‘gay’  because I insist that ‘Boy George is not gay but Marilyn is’. Duran Duran, Spandau Ballet and Rob Lowe get a mention as well.  In regard to my favourite football team -  well to sum it up quite eloquently ”Collingwood are the best, chuck out the rest’.

Fascinating how my entries are so factual, I provide descriptions of how my days played out including from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed- absolutely riveting stuff!  I am surprised I don’t mention how many toilet stops I take during the day!   My punctuation is absolutely appalling - it seems I have not discovered the art of using apostrophes or commas as yet and to think my favourite subject was English!  Shame on me.

1 January
We went to a lady who cooked and we ate everything.  I played a bit with a dog named Astro, he was good.  Then we left and came home. I went to bed at 11.30.  It was fun.
5 January
We went out to these peoples house and ate they have got a vidio (sic) and we saw a bit of Raiders of the Lost Ark but Carol put the Beatles Story on.  That was pretty good.  That was a nice day.
23 January
I watched the Restless Years.  Then I put on music and danced in the lounge room.  I played barbies.
25 January
Mum went to work.  And I stayed home.  Then I watched cricket.  I got my monopoly cards out (Piccadilly for yellow) and (Bond for Green) and used them as Australian flags.
1 February
First day of school. I am in grade 6R.  It was fun.  I played with Maria Kovacks.
2 February
I went to school and got a badge for red house.  It said Vice-Captain.
3 February
I went to school and played with Maria.  In class we had to sit next to some boys.  Maria cried because she had read a dirty book.
12  February
It was my birthday.  We went to McDonalds.  Dad took my budgie Bluey to the vet.  Dad said Bluey might die.
13 February
In the morning I found Bluey dead.  I cried and cried.  I cried a bit at school too.  But then I got over it.
17 February
I went to school.  In the afternoon Clayton North came to our school.  Some girls including me played softball.  They killed us 32 to 2.  We never had practise (sic).  But after our coach teached us (sic).
19 February
I went to a pool party.  It was terrific.  They had a dog called Pepi and a cat called Tiger.
21 February
I went swimming.  I was in group 3B.  After that I went to ballet.  Then I went to dad.  I had to finish my  project.  He put on a video tape about a bird that ate people alive.  The movie was really about my budgie.
3 March
I watched a really scary movie with my cousins called Evil Dead.  I was very scared.
16 March
We had interschool sports today.  Clayton primary school won 9 to 8 but we think they cheated.  We were meant to be 10 and them 8.  That is not fair.
23 March
I went to Greek School a boy chased me and I hated him. Then I went to Myers with my mum and I spilled my coke on the floor a bit.
9 May
I saw Footloose for the second time.  I love that movie it is ace.  Kevin Bacon is a spunk.  I slept at my friends house.
1 May
My dad would not let me go to my friends slumber party.  He said no and I started crying and I went to bed not talking to my mum.
25 September
I broke up with Michelle, Tania and Maria because they said they wanted to go the dunny and ran away.  Me and Kathy got in a stink.  I told Michelle that she thought she was the top dog from all of us.  She never wanted to be our friends again.
26 September
Made friends with Tania and Maria. But not Michelle.
27 September
Listened to a tape at school called War of the Worlds about marsions (sic) invading earth.  It was ace.
28 September
Listened to the rest of the War of the World.  I made friends with Michelle again and we also watched War of the Worlds.  We played British bulldogs and rounders.
2 November
I noticed that Charlies feathers were falling out a lot. My friend told me that he needed more vitamins so I gave him apple and silverbeet.
21 November
I got trophys and ribbons for inter school sports.  I was very happy because I really like playing sports and running.
25 December
Merry Christmas.  Got stack of presents.  Went for a ride to lots of different beaches.

Jazz Ballet Days

Me and my pal Charlie the budgie

Oh how I loved my Donkey Kong Nintendo Game and Watch

Check out my red velour outfit

Me and mum just hanging out

1985 (12 years old) ‘Hunk’s and ‘Spunks’
At the age of 12, my diary remains factual but I start to notice two new words have been introduced into my vocabulary - ‘hunk’ and spunk’.  My writing is maturing somewhat with the introduction of the occasional coma and exclamation mark - particularly after the use of the word spunk or hunk!

Ah the mid 80’s - how can I forget my  obsession with lace, neon tops  socks and black rubber ‘jelly gummy’ bangles (thanks to Madonna).  Oh not to mention my first year of high school at Huntingdale High where I learnt how to go ’spunk hunting’ - clearly I had a top class education.

1 January
We are staying at a holiday house in Rye which is great fun. At lunch time we went outside to eat lamb for New Years day and Con was there.  Con is a spunk!  We all went to the beach, I liked it because I got a nice tan.
2 January
Me and Simon played murder in the dark.  We watched the Elephant Man - then my mum farted three times and pissed herself laughing in front of everyone.
4 January
I went to a wavy beach with mum and when we came back Con and his mates came from the beach and gave me a huge fright when he knocked on our window and I screamed my head off.  We had to pack most of our things because we were leaving the next day.  Drat I don’t want to leave Con.
6 January
Mum came in to tidy my room and chuck all my bad clothes out (while my radio was on) and I was TRYING to listen to tape good songs from the radio but I never got the start of the songs.
11 January
I went to Mandy’s house, she wanted to sleep at my house.  Her little cousin came, she is a pain in the neck.  We went for a walk later, this black man in a car waved at us and stopped his car and we ran away down the street into the pet shop until he left.
13 January
Went to the beach to check out the hunks, we bought some ice-creams and some guys were spunky.  This guy kept looking at me, he was nice - that was a good day for me.  I had ace fun.
15 January
Olga came over, we mucked around and played monopoly, hiding the monopoly money, blind man’s bluff, bobbing for apples, ludo and jacks.    When she left I went outside to sunbake and came back inside to tape some good songs from the radio.  I only got to tape one song.
18 January
Olga came over and we played hide the jacks.  Before she went home she told me she could get Cons address and telephone number from a girl she knew.  We posted a love letter to a boy she liked called Michael.  On the weekend she was going to call Con and tell him that I liked him.
22 January
Olga came over today with another girl called Michelle who I hate.  I was bored later so I sat outside waiting for my granny to come back from the shops.  She came back late.  I was watching these two spunks fixing the house across the road.
30 January
I was in my room all day trying to tape ‘Do they know it’s Christmas Time’ from the radio and didn’t have much luck, I tried on my favourite outfit with my pink fluorescent socks and black Madonna bangles.
31 January
In the morning I went to get my uniform for Huntingdale High School, I am going to start high school soon.  Then we went to pick up my text books.   I spent the afternoon tidying my room and reading my books for high school.
5 February
It was my first day of high school.  I had Mr Chibert from Maths - he was really BAD.  Then English, lunch, Greek, Geography. I have trouble closing my locker and keep asking my friend to help me.  We did not do much work on the first day fortunately.   I went spunk hunting with my friends.
12 February
I went to school,  it was my birthday today and I got lots of birthday bonkers on my arm.   Mum gave me $10 and I went to my first ballet class for the year.
18 February
Drama and English  are my favourite subjects.  I got into trouble in Maths class and had to write all my timetables up to 12×12 7 TIMES!  Would you believe it, naughty me.
23 February
If you notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
24 February
I was here, here I was, was I here, yes I was.

I loved my black lace but there is no excuse for that hair style!

Another jazz ballet event - gotta love that hair

At the age of 12 I am already taller than my mum - but still the bad hair continues

1987 (14 years old) The ‘mod’ years.
At the age of 14, I was clearly on way to being an annoying teen.  Boys were on my mind right after  my number one interest - me, me and me.  After my love affair with all things neon and lace was over,  I became obsessed with dressing like a ‘mod’, anyone that didn’t dress like a mod was a bogan. My clothes were 90% black,  and were supported by a black pair of converse runners which I loved, grandpa tops, faded jeans, black shoes with shiny buckles.  I thought I was very stylish and cool -  I even wore my grandmother’s dress and thought that was so cool but looking back now it was really ’so embarrassing!’ Surfie guys were known as ‘Skegs’  and they were on my hot list!

I changed schools in Year 9 - it was a difficult transition going from a co-ed state school to an all girls catholic college.  Not only were the rules and regulations strange but the whole Catholic thing never made sense to me.  All the girls used to carry around brown paper lunch bags or lunch boxes.  No one would ever be caught dead at Huntingdale High with a brown paper bag or lunch box.

13 January
Went to the beach with Eff, Alex, mum and some of her friends.  Eff and I went to the shops to get some sun tan lotion and on the way back three guys rode past on their bikes, the best looking one looked back at me so I looked at him.  He asked me how I was, I said I was good.    Later on Eff and I went for another walk, we saw them again, the good looking one smiled at me so I smiled back.  On the way back I saw him put his top up when he saw me so I laughed.  Then 10  minutes later they walked past us, he kept looking back so I waved and he waved back and smiled.  Then we walked their way and noticed they seemed to be looking for something.  Then he smiled at me.  He was absolutely gorgeous, tall, tanned skin, light brown hair with blue eyes.  He said he lost his key and asked us to help look for it.  He did not find it, so he asked us our names.  His name was Christian and he was checking me out badly.  Then he said he was walking the same way and asked if he could walk with us.  I didn’t think and said no.  I could have killed myself!  I should have asked him if he was coming to the beach tomorrow, I was such an idiot.
16 January
I went to visit some family friends and we talked the whole afternoon about different things, real life horror stories, guys, smoking, drugs, the lot.  I went shopping with mum to buy some clothes for a christening tomorrow.  I bought a black mini skirt, a purple grandpa top, purple socks and black shoes with gold square buckles.
5 February
It was my first day of my new school today at Sacred Heart Girls College.  I actually did not feel nervous at all until mum’s car did not start so the neighbour had to take me to school. I hated it from the moment I got there, I made a few friends, the girls seemed friendly enough but everything felt so weird and I just wanted to go back to Huntingdale High.  When I got home I cried and cried.  My best friend Tonka rang and filled me in with all the details at Huntingdale.  This made me feel even worse.  Sandra called me later, this made me officially depressed.
6 February
I had drama which I usually love but it was shit.  The day was not as bad as yesterday though.  I got lost once when I could not find my maths class, I also had a typing lesson which I found hard.  I miss everyone though and the school has so many strict rules and codes.
9 February
After school I rang a friend up who happens to know Christian, the guy I met a few weeks ago at the beach.  She gave me his surname so I looked him up in the phone book and rang him.  He couldn’t believe I had found his number, we talked for a while and he asked me to call him again.
10 February
I burnt my toast in home economics today.  After school I told my friend Sandra that I want to have a big  party on Saturday night for my birthday.  Mum said I could so I am planning to ring Christian tomorrow and ask him to come along.
11 February
After school I rang Christian and he said he would come to my party, then my friend Tonka said that Vince, another guy she knows likes me so I told her to invite him as well.  Phew guys everywhere.
21 February
I got ready for my party in the afternoon, well most people turned up but Christian didn’t.  Vince did and I really like him but then my stupid friend Darlene opened her mouth and said that I had bad taste in guys.  Vince heard her and got upset and said he had to leave.  My friend  Tonka knows him well so she went outside to see what was wrong, he told her he likes me but is really upset with Darlene.  I really wanted him to come back.  My party did not turn out well at all.
25 February
Went to school camp at Bacchus Marsh, at night we couldn’t get to sleep, we were all laughing and got in trouble when the Sister told us off really badly!  I took lots of photos.  I met a new group  of friends, Sharon, Simone, Amanda, Helena, Georgina and Christine.  I am going to hang out with them.
2 March
I got Vince’s phone number from my friend Tonka and when I rang,  he just hung up on me.  I don’t understand what I have done wrong, it was not my fault my friend opened her big mouth, I still liked him.  Oh well.
4 March
A friend of mine at school told me that Vince hung up on me because he does not like talking to girls on the phone.  I think that is bullshit though.  On the bus on the way home from school there were some girls who thought they were tough shit.  One told Aileen to move her bag and threatened us by saying they put two girls like us in hospital.  They called us ‘brown cows’ because of our brown uniforms and so forth.
5 March
After school, the girls were on the bus again and tried to hit Aileen in the subway, this time they had more friends with them and they all stated calling us rude names.  I felt scared and embarrassed, it was time to take action!
6 March
In the morning we went to Mrs Mackie and told her about our problem on the bus.  She sent us to Mrs Visintene who then sent us to the Vice- Principal Mrs O’ Toole.  We had a long talk and she told us that our parents should ring the bus company and complain, they would take action if they received a few complaints.  Thankfully we did not have to face them afterschool, they were not there.
20 March
I went searching for a pair of converse runners in the city but most stores did not have them in stock yet.  The ones that had them only had smaller or larger sizes.  I really want a pair of black converse runners.
23 March
Our principal was hiding in the subway waiting to catch us walking more than 2 abreast on the sidewalk. I got in trouble along with two other girls for walking 3 abreast.  We got called into his office tomorrow morning, I was very mad because I wasn’t even walking 3 abreast!
24 March
I was scared about the meeting with the Principal.  We arrived at his office and waited for about 15 minutes.  He was in a good mood so  he let us off with a warning.  As soon as we left his office we started laughing our heads off!
27  March
I bought a pair of faded jeans and  a pair of - get ready for it, yes folks, a pair of black converse runners!!
30 March
New P.E teacher at school, she is blonde. Why are all P.E teacher blonde?  It must be a rule.
18 April
I went to the city and got a heart attack when I saw there was a skateboard competition in Burke Street.  There were about 15 gorgeous skegs with their skateboards.  Yum.
25 April
We had a surprise party for my dad.  Later Eff and Alex and me decided to go knick-knocking on doors which was a terrible mistake.  After we had knocked and run away from 2 houses, we decided to knock on a house on a corner of the street.  I ran up the stairs and knocked and then we all ran around the corner for a few minutes and then decided to go and knock on someone else’s door. As we turned the corner we saw that all the lights had come on at the house we had just knocked on and there was a man looking out his window, so we began to walk fast and walked right past Eff’s house and Alex turned back and said Oh my God he is following us.  So we began to walk even faster and turned into a block of flats.  As soon as we were out of sight we ran into someone’s open garage and hid in there.  My heart was beating so fast!  After 10 minutes we checked to see if he was there - no sign of him so we ran home.  Our parents were looking for  us so we told them that there was someone following us but we left the knick-knocking part out of the story!
8 May
Mum took Eff and I shopping to buy some wedding clothes but we could not find anything we liked and mum was getting very mad and fed up so Effie and I found something very quickly or else mum told us she would pick something out for us!  I am wearing all black, black skirt, black top, black shoes and black stockings.  I am going to wear a big black and white bow in my hair.
13 May
I got my maths test back and go 29/40 which is such an improvement, my maths has not been going so well lately.
30 May
I was meant to being doing the 40 hour famine but I ate things!
27 May
Back to school this week, there was a mass in the church which I thought was funny.  I am still not use to all this Catholic school stuff.  Then we had a hair and uniform inspection, we are not supposed to have our hair hanging all of our faces or are we allowed to have colour  in our hair.  We are not able to have more than one pair of earring and they have to be gold or silver studs or small sleepers they are  not allowed to be dangly and trendy.    They are also strict with uniform lengths, your skirt is not supposed to be higher than your knees.  Gee things were so different at Huntingdale High - the girls always wore their skirts very short!
1 June
At school we did more Catholic stuff, we watched a program called Chastity Before Marriage.  I thought it was crap.  I think people should be entitled to make their own minds about having sex before marriage.   What if you are 40 and are not  married - are people supposed to wait that long!
2 June
My friend Melissa from Huntingdale asked me to come to a blue light disco, when I asked mum she said no but I am not giving up so I am going to ask Dad.
3 June
I asked Dad about going to the blue light disco, instead of saying yes Dad gave me a big lecture telling me there are bad people at discos.  I told him there were police supervising but he still said no so I got mad.
5 June
I sat down to prepare a speech for mum giving her all the reasons why I should be allowed to go to the Blue Light after all I am very responsible and I don’t do anything bad but before I got a chance to tell her, Melissa rang and wanted my mum to speak to her mum.  After the phone call, mum said I could go, Melissa’s mum had convinced her!
6 June
I got dressed in my mod clothes, black converse, black and white knee high socks, black grandpa top and my jeans. The disco was packed and I nearly suffocated waiting in the line.  They had to body check us before we were allowed to go in.  My friends Tonka, Janet and Sandra were there and they all had flannelette shirts on and looked like Bogans.  Overall we had a good night and had a dance.
18 June
I rang Tonka to tell her I am coming to see her at Huntingdale tomorrow as I have curriculum day tomorrow but she said she was wagging school to go hang out with Janet and her boyfriend.  I did not want to go because Janet’s boyfriend is a real Bogan - a head banger and he hates mods.
22 June
I made up a poem today in class when I was bored.
Birds fly, people don’t
Pigs eat rubber goats
Cats meow, dogs dont
Porky’s feet  smell gross
26 June
First day of school holidays so I caught the bus to go to Huntingdale High as they are not on holidays as yet.  I felt embarrassed as everyone was staring at me, I think it was my clothes, then all these guys from my old form started yelling out ‘mod’ and I was more embarrassed and wanted to leave but Sandra made me stay and I stayed in the back of the class for 5th period, this was so embarrassing!
29 June
My nose started bleeding and it got so heavy that I had to go to the doctors.  It wouldn’t stop bleeding.  The doctor told me I may have a weak  blood vessel, it took ages to stop and I felt scared.
2 July
I have decided that I would like a part time job so I can earn some money to buy stuff because I feel bad asking mum for money all the time.  I went into a small bakery they took my details down and I went into Venture to fill  in an application form.
6 July
I had to go into the city to pick up my glasses with my grandma.  I decided that I would wear one of her dresses because it is a mod look.  I wanted to hurry up and come home because I didn’t want to be with her, she took me into daggy shops - so embarrassing!
12 July
My room is a pig sty, so I decided it needed a thorough cleaning and I vacuumed in every corner and tidied everything.  It took me 8 hours so I was very tired when I finished and went to bed early.
29 July
Kevin is gorgeous,  a spunk, a hunk,  sooooo cute, handsome, unreal and more!
14 August
What a day!  Firstly Helena and I had a play fight on the bus but everyone thought it was a real fight, we were just mucking around.  Then at homeroom Sharon and I were hitting each other with rulers and I broke Amanda’s ruler.  Then on the way to the train station I borrowed Joanne’s ruler to hit Sharon and then I broke her ruler.  Then we were all really noisy at the train station and started to act like idiots and I saw Sister Julianna frowning at us but my friends did not believe me so they starting yelling more.  I went to Chadstone with Eff at 6 pm but we had a black out and I could not fix my hair properly so it must have looked bad at Chadstone.
20 August
After school at the train station I noticed a group of guys, one in particular looked like Vince - that guy I used to like who got angry at my party and never spoke to me again.  Anyway, I wasn’t sure it was him until he gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen so I knew it was him so I turned my back on him and my friends kept telling me he could not keep his eyes off me so when I turned to look at him , he was giving me a poisonous look.  Boy I felt like bashing his head in! What is his problem?  I didn’t do anything to him.  I really don’t get it.
27 August
School is a bore, life is a bore (sometimes), my love life is a bore, my budgies are a bore, everything is a BORE.
28 August
My friends and I decided to go see a movie tonight so I went home feeling in a good mood, but then I saw Vince at the train station which put me in a bad mood.  He was talking to some girl and then tried to get my attention when he saw me - like I care!  Seriously what a dipstick.  Then my dear mother would not let me go the movies so we had a huge fight, she wanted me to come to Chadstone with her but I wouldn’t go, so she got in the car and started beeping her horn and came back in the house and begged me to come and I said no again.  10 minutes later I got a call from her friend Voula telling me that mum was at her house and was upset that we had a fight and she wanted to come pick me up.  I said no again even though I felt mean.
3 September
Mum had decided she wants to get fit and wanted to drag me along to jog with her even though I was reluctant to go with her.  I was so embarrassed when a bunch of guys laughed at us, then we got caught out in the rain - we got absolutely drenched.  I was so angry.
6 September
Dad came to pick me up for Father’s Day.  On the way home we saw a rabbit crawling on the road, his back legs were crushed and mutilated so it was dragging on its front paws.  I was so upset and we tried to help it but it was too scared.   I was so sad and cried myself to sleep.
11 September
School term is nearly finished, only 3 days to go but who is counting!  I went to Melissa’s slumber party.  We watched 3 horror movies, one was stupid, the second one was funny but the last one Demons was the best!  I love horror movies.  We had the best night and talked all night.
1 October
Lately all Eff talks about is food, she has been on a diet and cant stop talking about food, it’s been going on for a month now, she always wants this and that and every time we go to the shops she spends all her time in the food area.  I don’t get it.
22 October
I went shopping with Eff to buy food for her mum’s birthday party, she said she was breaking her diet just for this.  We bought so much junk food, Effie wouldn’t stop and overbought food. We ate so much junk that we made ourselves sick.
15 November
I went to a teenage mind powers course- it was fabulous.  They teach you how to be confident and think positive.  I met lots of people and had lots of fun.  I can’t wait to go back next Sunday.
21 November
I was nervous, it was my ballet concert tonight and all my friends were coming so I tried to think positive.  Thank God it turned out well and I didn’t make any mistakes!  I have to focus on my studies now that the concert is out of the way, I  have been spending too much time practicing  my dance movies and not enough time studying for my exams. I am worried about maths, I hate maths.
3 December
Got our Science exam back -got 70% which is a B - Yippy. Got geography exam back - got 50% - Boo.  Got religion exam back - got 82% which is an A but who cares about religion anyway  - Boo.  That night we went to a restaurant, we met some people including three guys called George, Con and Con.  George and Con are brothers and can’t speak much English.  The other Con is very smart, rich and ambitious with excellent table manners.
14 December
I wrapped some presents and put them under the Christmas tree but it doesn’t feel like Xmas- every year the Xmas spirit seem to be fading.
19 December
We had a Xmas party at my friend Caroline’s house, we stuffed ourselves with junk and went for a walk to the Clarinda shopping centre.  Sharon jumped in a shopping trolley and Georgina took her for a ride but let go of the handle and Sharon went rolling away in the trolley and it tipped over and Sharon flew out - it was son funny!  On the way  back we bumped into a huge bunch of bogan guys - about 20 guys and they started to tease us about our clothes, one of the guys knew Sharon but she ignored him., then they yelled out ‘mods suck’, we made the mistake of yelling back ‘bogans suck’.  They got mad and chucked rubbish and bottles at us.  All of a sudden I  heard one guy yell out ‘DIE’ and turned back to see the group of 20 start to chase us.  I yelled out ‘RUN’ so we bolted as fast as we could all the way back to Caroline’s house and locked the door and collapsed on the floor terrified and out of breath.  We settled down to watch a video but we were all jumpy so we kept looking out the window but no one was there.  We told ghost stories, which led to discussions about God, the Devil, this led on to bad things like murder, child molesters and other bad things going on this world of shit.
25 December
Merry Xmas!  Got up to open my presents but it was 9.30 before mum got up so I waited for her.  I got heaps of great presents including a fantastic present from my mum.  We spent the day at mum’s uncle and auntie’s house in Dromana and in the afternoon I went to see my dad and cousins.  I had a great day, overall I got some great presents and $145  -wow!

This is the last phase of my neon look -  I used to love this t-shirt.

Year 9 School Camp

My cousin Anna - left of me and my step sister Eff - right of me, Steve my other cousin -far right (love the shorts Steve!)

I became obsessed with wearing black - me and Rambo Jambo

Stay tuned for the next round of the Katherine Diaries: ‘The Obsession Years’ when I become totally obsessed with a guy… for three years.

Although I have been having hair laser removal treatment on ‘painfree’ body parts for some years I avoided treating my upper lip after overhearing a remarkably tough looking woman claim it hurt more than giving birth to overweight twins with heads like footballs. But one day in a weak moment my technician (I wanted to call her my dominatrix but she might read this and not be so kind with my treatment in the future) latched onto my good mood and talked me into it. Was it painful you ask?  Visualize if you will, a small nuclear strike under each nostril accompanied by a simultaneous oxygen depriving - nose hair singeing - burst of super heated gas driven into the nasal cavity. For those of you who can’t imagine nuclear war on the face, an alternative comparison may suit - it’s like snorting cocaine without the euphoria. Still with me?

In fact hair laser removal has much in common with recreational drug use – once addicted you always come back for more . With summer fast approaching I recently wondered about what other body parts I could offer up for sacrifice to the laser gods (and my dominatrix). Surely after surviving the upper lip I could handle anything, how bad could the underarms, bikini line and legs really be (a treatment other wise known as ‘the works’).

Let’s say it was a very good thing I had not understood what was involved in the journey ahead of me. As I laid down on the padded bench preparing for ‘the works’ I casually enquired as to how much pain would be involved to which the technician replied equally causally  “quite a lot”. Understandably when you are at your most vulnerable stripped down to your underwear and you hear such an unexpected response the good old fight-flight response kicks in.

After being manipulated like some kind of perverted marionette puppet - bend my legs, point my knees, open that, spread here, flex this, I found the request to raise my buttocks and give myself a ‘wedgie’, almost normal. But like all good interrogators and experts in the dark arts my technician knew the old start ‘em easy and then work up to the really nasty stuff. The least sensitive areas around my thigh were knocked off first – this of course was simply a gentle lead up to the magnum opus - the bikini line. Hmm how does one describe the sensation of having your bikini line lasered? Well I can’t compare it to childbirth because I have not ventured down that path but I have experienced various forms of physical pain and I liken it to someone pouring hot black tar over sunburnt raw skin.

‘The works’ should really be marketed as a weight loss therapy .Not your regular Oprah style ‘ten days to tight buns’ but the corrupt dictatorship style ‘exercise or I’ll rip your throat out, and the throats of your family…’ type of thing. You get the picture. I tensed so hard that every muscle and tendon and whatever else lies under my skin stood out in ways they really shouldn’t (at least not on mere mortals like me). By the end of the session I lay panting in a serious puddle of sweat.

I can only imagine the faces I was pulling throughout the treatment, the laser technician was relentless, barely stopping to let me catch my breath – “it’s like pulling a bandaid off your skin”, she explained, “it’s better to get it over and done with in one shot”. After an hour my leg and bikini line ordeal had come to an end and I was close to my escape. I squelched in relief around my wet bench and I decided not to remind the technician that I had also booked for the under arm treatment – a treatment she seemed to have forgotten. Feeling like I’d won the lottery, I decided silence was golden, got dressed and exited the room. Success! I had my credit card in my hand at reception when I heard her voice over my shoulder, “I’m so sorry I forgot, you were booked in for underarms as well”. Failure! Like a pathetic little lamb I meekly asked, “Will it hurt?” To which she simply replied “Yes”.

I hated her.

I made my way back into the stinking chamber that reeked of fear and burnt hair and thought this would be a good time to believe in God. Maybe she could save me? No help there though. Treating the bikini line was like a walk in the park compared to the underarm – Like pouring hotter black tar over even redder raw skin - I felt like I was about to lose my mind and begin sobbing uncontrollably so I tried to shut the pain out by imagining I was some sort of guru, immune to all this worldly pain. Unfortunately, the best I could do was feel like a guru who was in agony. No help there either.

Then, like a blessed ray of sunshine after a hurricane it was over.

Endorphins - wow what a rush. I have never felt so energized and alive when I walked out of the torture chamber, my body buzzing with those merry little painkillers. To quote some exercise guru from the eighties “the greater the pain the greater the gain”, and man what a gain!

Will I be back? You bet, hair-free and with the best legal rush you can get in Melbourne.

The facebook login page boldly states ‘facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life’. Suitably ironic, given that facebook frequently does the opposite.  Of course this is true of any forum where face to face interactions are replaced by a keyboard and screen.

Before I launch into my ‘down on facebook’ campaign, I thought I would provide a little overview of my experience with facebook.

There are various types of facebook users, these include:

Pathologically addicted (PA)
Life is centered around facebook for the PA.  Their entire interaction and the way they communicate with people is entirely facebook driven – no game or application is left untouched not to mention hourly postings of their status for the world to see.  It’s fascinating to know that people prefer Kleenex unique air-weave soft and strong textured toilet paper to the gentle embossed Sorbet toilet paper range.  What a terrific way of getting intimate with a person you have not seen in 20 years.

The Intruder
The Intruder is a lurker waiting for the right moment to crash your status update with a narky remark or outrageous judgment statement.  The Intruder is usually someone you don’t know but a mutual friend of the person you are friends with. The Intruder is like a sniper, it’s an anonymous kill from the distance.

The Surfer
The Surfer is somehow able to balance their facebook transactions with regular life (perhaps it’s because they have a life!).  The Surfer is an occasional and usually sensible user who uses facebook to post a few photos and catch up with a few friends they might not be able to see in person very often.

The Snooper
The Snooper is not a huge contributor to their own or other facebook pages, they sign up just to browse the profiles of other users. A Snooper will always know how much weight Jane put on over summer or that Peter is now gay but you will never know what is happening with them.

Stay at homes
The final category is the stay at homes.  These facebook users are often stay at home  mums (or dads) or house bound people who can’t get human contact the usual way and use facebook as part of their daily social interaction. Facebook provides them with a social outlet where they can bore their friends with tales of little Johnny’s first solid poo.

And before you accuse me of being holier than thou, I have been guilty of being one or more of these at any one time.|

Having said all this, there are many benefits to facebook.  It’s a great way to say happy birthday to someone without actually speaking to them, more importantly it’s a cheap way to offer a gift to your friend – what better way is there to say happy birthday by sending someone an electronic picture of a birthday cake?  Once I tried to lick the icing off my screen just to see if the damn cake was real.

Facebook is not a problem in itself; it’s what people choose to do with their time and how it’s used. Because facebook users are each safely tucked away in their homes and work places, rudeness, aggression and bullying seem to be more acceptable and common than in real life. Normally calm and loving adults can be swiftly reduced to bickering school yard brawlers – an unlikely occurrence if all parties were in a room together. It’s pretty clear that adults are little more than children albeit with more rules and constraints -however these rules and contraints are ignored in the online world.

Yes facebook brings people together but once together it also provides the tools to tear them apart.

Aaron Greenspan argues that he was the original creator of facebook instead of Mark Zuckerberg, Aaron just be thankful that you have not earned many billions of dollars on the backs of the agony and delights of millions of facebook users.

The making of The Last Supper (mp4, 43mb)

Reviving the Spanish Revival - the movie (mp4, 145mb)

Admittedly I feel like some sort of voyeur, prying into their thoughts, and analyzing their motivations.  Now, today  my privileged readers, you have the opportunity to be part of my voyeurism.

Here are some of my favourite for your enjoyment.

1. best place in South America for a gringo to find good cocaine and young hot women 2008
Something tells me this person is not interested in ancient temples, colourful festivals, rich culture, empanadas and spitting llamas.  I have one thing to say buddy, if you can’t find drugs and get laid in your own country, what makes you think you will have better luck in South America?

2. big fat mums
I know my website is called ‘nothing vanilla’, and the intention is to entertain and amuse fellow readers with interesting stories, but I don’t run that kind of site.  PS You must have disappointed when you were directed to my website – sorry can’t help you with this one.

3. do women like knuckle hair
What kind of obscure fetish is this?  However, you’re in luck, being a woman I feel I can comment with some degree of confidence - don’t grow knuckle hair just because you think women might like it - on the other hand don’t wax it because you think they won’t – leave your knuckle hair exactly as God intended it. Consider this though - like attracts like so if your woman likes hairy knuckles chances are she will have hairy knuckles too.

4. do women like muscular forearms
Sure woman like muscular forearms but it depends what the muscular forearm is attached to.  A muscular forearm alone isn’t going to win any hearts especially if it’s attached to a hand with hairy knuckles.

5. “how are you” funny response
Jeeze don’t over analyze it buddy, just say whatever comes to mind, trust me if you have to look this up on google you are probably not going to pull off the funny anyway. Remember funny is born not made.

6. hazardous food facts frying bananas with bottles
Every time I fry my bananas I use the fashioned fry pan? From one cook to another though - Does the bottle add any extra flavor? Is there a particular type of bottle you like, plastic, glass?

7. I live in sydney australia and who will clean my roof inside of rat droppings
I don’t care where you live buddy, I am not going anywhere near your rat droppings.

8. how to get back at nosey neighbours
Let’s fall back on the old acronym WWJD - What would Jesus do?  Of course since Jesus was homeless he had no direct experience in this matter but we do know he was famous for his tolerance; for example he saved a woman from being stoned to death after she had committed adultery.  On the other hand, he wasn’t all softly softly either, because as we all know he physically attacked those using the synagogue as a place for buying and selling.  So my point is this, if it looks like there might be some money changing hand next door I’d feel comfortable going ‘synagogue’ on their ass.

9. Indian bell bottoms
We all have the right to wear bell bottoms regardless of sex, age, race and religion affiliation.  Let’s not isolate the bell bottom, this is how cultural wars start my peace loving friends.  All I am saying is give peace a chance.

10. bellbottom sex stories
Are you living in a 70s fantasy?  Here is my visual – you are wearing nothing but your mustard bell bottoms, you have a hairy chest, and of course hairy knuckles to match… Are you planning on taking a trip to South America by any chance….

11. “use a, an, some, any, and some of the vocabulary from this unit. use these sentence starters, i want to.. im going to…”
Ah I am not even going to touch this one.

12. why would an air conditioning unit have an eggish smell coming from it when it comes on and off
You have touched a sore spot my friend.  My father was an air conditioning expert, he wanted me to desperately follow in his footsteps, I come from a long line of air conditioning specialists, it runs in my blood you see. Sadly I couldn’t knuckle down to my studies and dropped out of air conditioning school in the middle of egg smell removal 101.  My entire family was ashamed, and disowned me – sorry can’t help you with this one, seek elsewhere for air conditioning egg smell advice mate.