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Laser hair removal – A legal way to get high.

November 18th, 2009 · 3 Comments

There are various forms of torture, Chinese water torture, a medieval rack machine, plucking out eyes with hot pincers and then there is hair laser removal.

Although I have been having hair laser removal treatment on ‘painfree’ body parts for some years I avoided treating my upper lip after overhearing a remarkably tough looking woman claim it hurt more than giving birth to overweight twins with heads like footballs. But one day in a weak moment my technician (I wanted to call her my dominatrix but she might read this and not be so kind with my treatment in the future) latched onto my good mood and talked me into it. Was it painful you ask?  Visualize if you will, a small nuclear strike under each nostril accompanied by a simultaneous oxygen depriving – nose hair singeing – burst of super heated gas driven into the nasal cavity. For those of you who can’t imagine nuclear war on the face, an alternative comparison may suit – it’s like snorting cocaine without the euphoria. Still with me?

In fact hair laser removal has much in common with recreational drug use – once addicted you always come back for more . With summer fast approaching I recently wondered about what other body parts I could offer up for sacrifice to the laser gods (and my dominatrix). Surely after surviving the upper lip I could handle anything, how bad could the underarms, bikini line and legs really be (a treatment other wise known as ‘the works’).

Let’s say it was a very good thing I had not understood what was involved in the journey ahead of me. As I laid down on the padded bench preparing for ‘the works’ I casually enquired as to how much pain would be involved to which the technician replied equally causally  “quite a lot”. Understandably when you are at your most vulnerable stripped down to your underwear and you hear such an unexpected response the good old fight-flight response kicks in.

After being manipulated like some kind of perverted marionette puppet – bend my legs, point my knees, open that, spread here, flex this, I found the request to raise my buttocks and give myself a ‘wedgie’, almost normal. But like all good interrogators and experts in the dark arts my technician knew the old start ‘em easy and then work up to the really nasty stuff. The least sensitive areas around my thigh were knocked off first – this of course was simply a gentle lead up to the magnum opus – the bikini line. Hmm how does one describe the sensation of having your bikini line lasered? Well I can’t compare it to childbirth because I have not ventured down that path but I have experienced various forms of physical pain and I liken it to someone pouring hot black tar over sunburnt raw skin.

‘The works’ should really be marketed as a weight loss therapy .Not your regular Oprah style ‘ten days to tight buns’ but the corrupt dictatorship style ‘exercise or I’ll rip your throat out, and the throats of your family…’ type of thing. You get the picture. I tensed so hard that every muscle and tendon and whatever else lies under my skin stood out in ways they really shouldn’t (at least not on mere mortals like me). By the end of the session I lay panting in a serious puddle of sweat.

I can only imagine the faces I was pulling throughout the treatment, the laser technician was relentless, barely stopping to let me catch my breath – “it’s like pulling a bandaid off your skin”, she explained, “it’s better to get it over and done with in one shot”. After an hour my leg and bikini line ordeal had come to an end and I was close to my escape. I squelched in relief around my wet bench and I decided not to remind the technician that I had also booked for the under arm treatment – a treatment she seemed to have forgotten. Feeling like I’d won the lottery, I decided silence was golden, got dressed and exited the room. Success! I had my credit card in my hand at reception when I heard her voice over my shoulder, “I’m so sorry I forgot, you were booked in for underarms as well”. Failure! Like a pathetic little lamb I meekly asked, “Will it hurt?” To which she simply replied “Yes”.

I hated her.

I made my way back into the stinking chamber that reeked of fear and burnt hair and thought this would be a good time to believe in God. Maybe she could save me? No help there though. Treating the bikini line was like a walk in the park compared to the underarm – Like pouring hotter black tar over even redder raw skin – I felt like I was about to lose my mind and begin sobbing uncontrollably so I tried to shut the pain out by imagining I was some sort of guru, immune to all this worldly pain. Unfortunately, the best I could do was feel like a guru who was in agony. No help there either.

Then, like a blessed ray of sunshine after a hurricane it was over.

Endorphins – wow what a rush. I have never felt so energized and alive when I walked out of the torture chamber, my body buzzing with those merry little painkillers. To quote some exercise guru from the eighties “the greater the pain the greater the gain”, and man what a gain!

Will I be back? You bet, hair-free and with the best legal rush you can get in Melbourne.

Tags: musings

3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Jax // Nov 18, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Oh great… Im booked in to have the works and now im really wondering if I can be as nice as you sound like you were…..

    Listen for my screams………

  • 2 kimbakat3 // Nov 18, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Well look at it this way, you may have a higher pain threshold than me, you might feel only a tickle!

  • 3 Jax // Nov 27, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    Ok, I have been and I have been lasered and had the works and im serious when I say that I found it relaxing…. I had no pain at all and the consultant that I had “Andrea” was FANTASTIC!!!! Sorry Kath pain free for me!

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