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The U Chromosome

April 12th, 2009 · 3 Comments

This isn’t a ground breaking discovery but I am compelled to write about the U Chromosome.  I know what you are thinking there is no such thing as the U chromosome. That’s where you’d be wrong and at least 2 billion people on this planet can attest to its existence – the U Chromosome is the DNA molecule found in human males, and it stands for the ‘untidy’ chromosome. There is no cure for the U chromosome, once a male has inherited this gene it lies dormant waiting for the opportunity to unleash its fury on an unsuspecting world and once out of the cage, I’m sorry to say it’s unstoppable.  The U chromosome generally manifests whenever a man settles into his surroundings and feels comfortable that his fellow cohabiters will accept the unshackling of his defective gene.

I have proof.  Exhibit A – the car.  My partner Julian treats the back of the car like a garbage dump, every time a food item or beverage is consumed in the vehicle, the empty contents are casually placed behind the driver’s seat where they are discovered months later  – usually when I pop into the driver’s seat and try to adjust the seat forward only to find that it is stuck in a pile of empty coke bottles and Bakers Delight brown paper bags.  Julian argues that he ‘strategically places these items in the back in order to one day take them out’ but I know better, Julian is trying to hide (albeit badly) his U Chromosome from me.  Once he had been chatting to me on a drive home whilst taking sips from a bottle of coke, – out of the corner of my eye I saw him casually flick with a practiced twist of the wrist the empty bottle behind his shoulder into the backseat – remarkably reminiscent of early man throwing his freshly gnawed bone out of a cave entrance.  I’m confident he didn’t learn this in his lifetime, no not at all, in fact the U Chromosome  has been around a long time  and been transferred from the mists  of prehistory into the man of today.

This wayward chromosome causes many other problems, for example Julian loves his electronics – cameras, computers and basically all gadgets great and small.  As a consequence the house is completely overrun with computer components.  I have a suspicion that cables are living and breathing and capable of slithering around on their own because I find them in mysterious places like my shoe boxes, on top of my bookshelves, on my computer desk along with various portable hard drives, motherboards, power cables, RAM and memory sticks.   Julian also likes to keep the boxes these items came in just in case he sells them on Ebay one day.  This means much of the spare room is lined with various boxes somewhat reminiscent of a trip to Bunning’s – choose you’re your own box for your goods instead of a plastic bag!  I tried one day to help Julian organise his computer clutter, it was a futile exercise because a week later the cords appeared from their underground hiding places and emerged back onto the floor’s surface again.

For some reason the U chromosome also affects the male’s ability to pick up clothes from the floor.  Julian loves his floordrobe – I guess it’s easy to find clothes and shoes when they live on the floor, perhaps it’s a time saver?   Julian once tried to argue that he left his shoes on the floor because the bed was too close to his wardrobe and he could never bend over to take his shoes out or put them away.  So I came up with a solution, we moved the bed further to give him extra ‘bend over room’ but nothing changed – shoes still live on the floordrobe!  If I had known Julian preferred floors to cupboards we could have saved a lot of money by not buying bedroom wardrobes, dressers and hangers.

Julian’s filing system is also affected by the U chromosome, when there is a document to be filed; Julian simply stacks it away in a pile in his computer desk.  Months later I spy paperwork overflowing, but Julian assures me it is the best filing system he has ever had.    It beats the A-Z filing system he argues because it allows him to search in date order. How so you may ask?  He assures me that at the bottom of the stack are bills he paid 6 months ago, anything around 3 months ago is generally found in the middle and anything recent is closer to the top.  How can I argue with that?

But there is some irony in the story of the U chromosome – no matter how many lights are left on, computer cables lying around or Bakers Delight brown paper bags strategically placed in the back of the car, one thing surprises me, Julian will not tolerate an untidy kitchen bench – go figure?

This is dedicated to my friend Jackie who discovered the U chromosome and explained to me the concept of the floordrobe, love you heaps xxxx

Tags: musings

3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Karyne // Jul 16, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    I like that story, it cute! Pointy, but not nagging. Well done! And maybe Julian just got the concept of a ‘walk-in closet’ wrong…

    Love your work!

  • 2 Karyne // Jul 16, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    I like that story, it’s cute! Pointy, but not nagging. Well done! And maybe Julian just got the concept of a ‘walk-in closet’ wrong…

    Love your work!

  • 3 kimbakat3 // Jul 17, 2009 at 3:59 am

    Thanks Karyne! It’s great to look to your own partner for writing material.. more importanly he is good humoured about it!

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